shame is so in this season: August 2005

hot and bald

and hot. did i mention hot?

jason statham. the transporter 2. who's with me?

i also want to see the 40 year old virgin.

pucker up

julia and i just split an orange that was sour enough to melt plastic. yet we kept eating it. as bored as we were, we made it a contest to see who can make the most contorted facial expression. she only won because she said something and her voice cracked like a 7th grade boy. then i gurgled/choked on my water. bored at work = $20/hour. doing stupid things while bored at work = priceless.

public recognition

it was bound to happen. with only three different trains leading to times square, it was inevitable that i run into people i work with. and as oblivious as i can pretend to be, i'm actually quite aware of my surroundings. it's pretty easy to peer about under the guise of sunglasses and a book. so what am i to do when i see people i know? if i don't get the initial acknowledgement from said company counterpart, i may be able to slip by unnoticed. perhaps he is too busy drowning in his own little podworld and didn't notice. perhaps she is engrossed in thinking about how much her feet hurt in her shoes but at least it's better than being that woman who wears ugly white tennis shoes with a suit and holds her cute but painful pradas in a neiman marcus shopping bag. perhaps i'm looking a little too generic to warrant the risk of being someone else. perhaps... oh crap -- she waved. he nodded. i smiled.

then there's the small talk. i hate hate hate small talk. blah blah blah this weather sucks. blah blah blah that new project seems like fun. blah blah blah. blah blah blah. yeah, it's pretty much like that all the way to the building. and to add to the problem, what is the correct walking etiquette? side by side is near impossible during morning rush hour in times square so who goes first? do you jaywalk or do you wait for the green to cross together? who gets on the escalator first? honestly, this shouldn't have to be so difficult. i wish i could just wear a paper bag over my head for the morning commute. but then i'd be instantly recognizable. i know what you're thinking. damn, her life is sooo complicated. yeah, uh huh, shut it.

wonder women

woot.

awkward much?

as awkward as a k surrounded by two w's, i just experienced being the third wheel, or pulley in this case, in the elevator.

here's the scenario:

i enter an empty car on 30, going down (my thoughts are in parentheses)
elevator: 29 (ding!)
man and woman enter. man looks at woman, then looks away when she looks back at him.

woman: "hi"
man: "good, how are you?"
woman: "good, how are you?"
man: "good... uh, good."
me: (snicker snicker)
woman: "uh... i know you, right?"
man: "uh, yes? um, do you work here?"
me: (nope, just like to ride the elevators. it's good for stabilizing my chi.)
woman: "yeah, well i used to work here, then i stopped, and now i'm back. i'm doing promos for vh1."
man: "oh. cool. 15 years. i've been here."
me: (spit. it. out. please.)
woman: "oh."
man: "news editing."
woman: "oh. ok."
man: "yeah."
woman: "you guys have nice avids up in there."
me: (was that a pick up line? perhaps i should use that more often.)
man: "yeah we just got them. they're great."
elevator: 21 (ding!) - man gets off
woman: (as man walks away) "well, see you around!"
man just keeps walking
woman looks at her feet and presses the lobby button repeatedly
me: (so. uncomfortable. can this elevator go any faster?)

sometimes in my dreams where i'm being chased i have the magic ability to blend into walls. 10 minutes ago, i wished that were real.

soooo bored

there's no one here at work today. all the executives are still in miami, so it's just me and julia. and we're both delerious. here's what we've done today:

10am - take care of post-vma stuff
10:15am - prank calls... hi, this is katrina. [blow into the phone]
11am - see who can get away with making the strongest coffee without people noticing (she won)
11:30am - prank calls... hi, this is r. kelly -- uh, i mean, i'm rick james bitch! and i'm the world's greatest entertainer. now gimme all your children.
12pm - gather all talking toys from the department and set them off at the same time (bonus points for finding big mouth billy bass and any singing and/or dancing hampster)
1pm - lunch in the conference room, watching clips of the vmas (and cringing accordingly)
2pm - finish uploading photos/write blog
3pm - naptime
3:30pm - storytime with trashy gossip mags
4pm - blast kelly clarkson and scream along

i'm definitely leaving early today. yesss.

ah

mazing.

just came back from the best. weekend. ever. in the hamptons. good friends, good food and good weather all left me with some good memories and three sunburt fingers (and i have no idea how that happened). it left others with three counts of indecent exposure, two king's cup "winners", one broken toe and one busted lip. there was sporting, lounging, gaming, gorging, reading, gambling, boozing and nightswimming. i didn't take that many photos but perhaps ryry (who will soon become a citizen of the blogging world) will share some of his.

here's my album entitled "boredom and borders"

[chicken] i love posing with raw meat. it's just so inspiring.

[the gang] they will be releasing their debut album this fall. it will be called "financial consulting".

[mucky muck] they came. they swam. they got dysentery.

[girls] we said "no thanks" to the creek.

[swan chasers] also makes for a cute totem pole.

[paula] playing footsie with the fish.

[karen] new hotness indeed.

[grillmaster] contemplating the multiple uses of tongs.

[kings] adult beverages and freshly baked chocolate chip cookies = heaven.

and in case you cared, i'm totally suffering from post-hampton depression.

manhunt (not womanhunt)

[manhunt] it's why you went to business school

so apparently there is a game of manhunt going down tonight on wall street. this time i won't not play because of my propensity cheat but rather because it's all the way down on wall street. i'm a downtownist, but i absolutely detest wall street. the area just evokes bad memories. i've had an interesting (more interesting bad than interesting good) summer interning at the stock exchange and can pretty much summarize the experience as a social studies experiment in post-frat behavior. i've had a bad date at delmonico's where i drank too much wine and insisted on walking home forty blocks up broadway. i've had a reckless cab ride to the seaport that involved whiplash and an ornery homeless man. and to top that all off, my stock portfolio is currently residing in the land of crapitude. alas, nothing good has come of wall street. (unless maybe there is a husband in store for me)

hooky

oh yeah, i did it.

called in "sick" from work for the very first time yesterday. then proceded to enjoy the best day ever in the history of new york weather. sunny skies, cool breezes, and a simply gorgeous dusk. i was able to spend the whole day with the california kitties for their last shopping spree before heading back to the land of malls and parking lots. i love love love shopping for people. of course i bought a pair of shoes for myself (wood platform slides with a pink leather bow).

after starting the day off at chelsea market (brunch at ruthy's bakery and then a fat witch brownie to go), we shopped and we shopped. we shopped til beth dropped. literally. poor little klutzy beth. we were on our way to 99 miles to philly for a cheesesteak dinner when a hole appeared out of nowhere in the sidewalk of 14th street. luckily she fell right onto krissy's foot, thus saving her white pants from soilage.

cheesesteaks led to pedicures which led to cannoli (veniero's, of course) which led to a sad parting of ways in the middle of union square. naturally, there were multiple rounds of hugs.

and now they are back in perpetually sunny so cal and now i am back at work. and now new york has a t-to-the-d-o. welcome to new york tdo.

falling for fall

in homage to the california kitties' collective new york shopping spree, here's a little fall wishlist of my own...

[dior] classic. elegant. dior.

[bottega veneta] the expensive kind of hobo.

[ferregamo] solid. better to beat the muggers with, my dear.

[bulga] i know this is an it bag, but i still dig it.

[cavalli] the perfect example of taming the metallic trend.

[asics] perhaps a cute gym bag would inspire me to go to the gym.

and now (my love) the shoes...

[anne klein] like a sensible, affordable manolo blahnik.

[miu miu] because i'm all growns up.

[prada] these make me renew my faith in prada.

[armani] just wow. that's it. wow.

[pollini] i don't know this pollini guy, but i like him.

now all i need is a fortune cookie with the winning lotto numbers. somebody work on that.

aeon acid reflux

yes this is a post about charlize theron as well as the current state of my esophagus. it will be short and stupid, just the way you like it.

[aeon] doesn't my gun like totally match my outfit?

1. charlize theron looks amazing with black hair. it almost makes me want to color my hair black again. but i won't.

[reflux] my name is ashlee simpson. my tummy is on fire!

2. my meatball pizza and curly fries lunch is setting up camp in my digestive system. i don't feel so good.

so while i was searching for images pertaining to acid reflux, i stumbled upon this lovely photo. apparently this high school group was so moved by the world suffering under acid reflux that they decided to make it their science fair project. aww, how quaint.

i also found this:

[baby] his first words were "malpractice insurance"

fees shorty, fees!

last night i took the california kittens out for a big night on the town. and by town i mean east village (i'm a bit of a downtownist). after some unagitastic sushi at jeollado, we went for some pommes frites (sweet mango chutney) and then topped the gluttony off with a nice creamsicle milkshake (which was more cream than sicle, but good nonetheless) from the new york milkshake company. oh but the adventure was far from over. our next stop was burp castle (even though they lost the monk get-ups, i still love bringing people there) for some lambics and sweet brews.

and now back to the show... a swift potty stop at swift (heh heh, nevermind) brought us to manahatta (i know you know i don't love the crowd but it's always a safe bet for dancing). so this is where the fun begins. and by fun i mean making fun. we were convinced that these two guys in the middle of the dance floor came straight from shooting the poser mobile commercial. one sported reflective sunglasses and a military hat (slightly cocked, of course) and the other came well equipped with aviators, skull cap and a chelseaesque strategically ripped muscle tank. both outfitted with at least two gold chains. it was a sight to see and naturally, we captured it on film (all photos to come soon). and oh, the dancing. there was no doubt that they practiced this for hours in front of the mirror. they danced on the raised platform so that everyone could admire their flow. they sang. they rapped. they nodded. they posed. they threw gang signs -- bourgeois new jersey gang signs. i was just waiting for them to say it - 25 cent to connect! extra dollah a day extra!

ode to the judes

hey jude
don't make it bad
take this lame song
and make it better

i know you're bored at home
and you have no car
and your cell phone reception sucks
and your dog is crazy

you're stuck in a suburban nightmare
where "going out" means denny's at 2am
you had to buy those ugly shoes
for your brother's wedding

well at least you have the boober
with his superfly motorcycle
and at least it's not a unicyle
because that would be embarrassing

so take what you can get
get out as much as possible
eat lots of yummy mexican food
and double doubles animal style

oh and one more thing
come back to new york
i miss you

i'm a bitch.

not a lover nor angel undercover. just bitch.

preface: my roommate and her friends came home from a bachelorette party pretty late last night. five ex-wellesley girls. five really drunk ex-wellesley girls. one in particular was terribly drunk, terribly naked and terribly shouting. so between that and my 7am charlie horse in my right calf wake up call, i'm a little bit cranky this morning.

walking up the stairs in the times square station, i see a girl with a moderate case of cankles. the very first thing that came into my mind was "thank god i have regular ankles." and it wasn't like she was a clydesdale or anything remotely close to elephantitis, but it was just enough to notice and apparently just enough for my inner bitch to let loose.

then, as i was walking down the street i see an upper middle aged man walking towards me. but something was off about him. i squinted through the morning haze and my focused gaze revealed that it was a beard... growing out of the middle of his neck. it wasn't missed by a lazy shave, nor was it gravity defying chest hair - it was a full on, no doubts about it, purposefully grown for at least a year (three plus inches) neck beard. so what else could i do but avert my eyes and scream in revulsion. ok so the latter only happened in my head. apparently the neck beard is not an uncommon phenomenon (my google search for a suitable image to post led me to this site which touts the neck beard as "THE beard of the twenty-first century" and one that will "exude confidence and authority." and without further adieu, here is the picture:

[neck beard] uncool with and without sunglasses. just. plain. ew.

apparently it is company wide big fat jerk week

people with short fuses are exploding right on my desk. it's not a pretty sight.

is it the moon cycle?

giggle all you want. i just don't like it.

i was at the gym this morning and it wasn't particularly crowded, yet somehow i felt as if everyone was invading my space. i get on a machine in an empty row and not two minutes into my workout, two people get on either side of me even when there are plenty of other open machines. the same thing happens on the mats. one of my huge pet peeves is feeling other people's sweat auras. i'm not touching them, but i can still feel their sweat. i shudder at the memory.

then in the locker room, as i'm performing my post-shower routine, this horrible woman comes right up to the locker next to mine and proceeds to sit on the bench--about 3 feet from my naked self--and talk on her cell phone. apparently she was in no hurry to get to her workout because she sat there talking about absolutely nothing. "oh this restaurant is nice. oh that woman is nice. oh that woman's husband is nice. oh that woman's husband's boyfriend is nice. oh that woman's husband's boyfriend's little yappy dog is nice." she had nothing but good things to say. for ten minutes. i had nothing but bad things on my mind, but i couldn't exactly launch into a assault mode--neither tirade nor judo would be effective, as i was naked.

and on a completely unrelated, but somewhat similar topic...
is it buck naked or butt naked?

one word. five letters. period.

rappa.

playa.

mogul.

sucka.

diddy.

perhaps his next transnomer should be a symbol. i can see it now:

$.

or maybe a double: $$.

today is be a big fat jerk day

and everyone here is playing along.

i want to scream.

it's a blog thing

this is what happens when computer programmers are bored.

this is what happens when jade is bored:

You are

What Rejected Crayon Are You?

You Are Rocky Road Ice Cream

Unpredictable and wild, you know how to have fun.
You're also a trendsetter who takes risks with new things.
You know about the latest and greatest - and may have invented it.
You are most compatible with vanilla ice cream.

What Flavor Ice Cream Are You?

You Are an Emo Rocker!

Expressive and deep, lyrics are really your thing.
That doesn't mean you don't rock out...
You just rock out with meaning.
For you, rock is more about connecting than grandstanding.

What Kind of Rocker Are You?

crap. i'm emo -- i would go kill myself but that would just be self-fulfilling.

newsflash: men are pigs

[pig] bacon will never be the same

before you get all stuttery and defensive, this isn't a battlecry against male chauvinism. it's the news, dammit*. yeah, i said it.

but what's more perplexing is how this very important article made the "front page" while things like israel pulling out of the gaza strip after 38 years of occupation or fiona apple's new album dropping after a year of label controversy get second billing. it really puts things into perspective. perhaps all the world chaos is a direct result of misplaced priorities. perhaps we should all live the county fair lifestyle. excuse my departure, i simply must go look for my overalls.

*disclaimer: yahoo news isn't exactly the most reputable source of worldly happenings, but it's my mail server so it's the first thing i see.

sing my (faux) praise

i love/hate/love (hate) geeks. sure, they make cool things like ipods but they also make wretched things like commercial blog posting. i think its a computer program that picks random blogs and posts comments with links to advertising. or maybe it's coming from within the blogger system (nothing's completely free anymore). it's not that i don't like what they're selling, i'm just pissed that someone would have the audacity to tease my sensitive ego. for example, one will say, "i love your blog! check out my site called florida debt consolidation [link to florida debt consolidation site]. it's about florida debt consolidation and things like that." as much as i love all things debt consolidation, i just don't live in florida. way to boost me up and then tear me right back down. jerks.

oh and then it will end with a smiley. and that's where i draw the line.
i. hate. emoticons.

i don't care what my teachers say

i was in an mtv photoshoot today. it's for a totally inconsequential print project, but whatever--i was in an mtv photoshoot today.

i didn't eat yesterday
and i'm not gonna today
and i'm not gonna eat tomorrow
'cause i'm gonna be a supermodel

yes. just like that (actually quite the opposite).

i love the line in the song that goes, "i wanna be like tori spelling." since when did anyone want to be like tori spelling? even when she was on 90210 and dating ray pruit (i liked the guitar, not the domestic violence), she was and will always be the daughter of the guy who created the show.

brotherly love

i used to think that buffalo wings at bars was a philly thing. i just never saw them in la (well at least not as prominently as a bar staple). perhaps it was because i became (technically) of drinking age in philly. or perhaps i worked at moriarty's which supposedly had the best wings in town (and i had the smelliest shirt in town to prove it). today i had an odd craving for wings. and i don't even like wings.

i've actually been quite nostalgic for philly in general lately (seeing a bunch of penn ppl last week helped a little) so i was looking for places to relive the philly experience right here in good ole nyc. here's what i've found:

cheesesteaks:
99 miles to philly is touted as one of the best in the city. the fact that it's a block away from new hotness and danny g's apartment pushes it to the top of my list (because if i'm going to be fat, i might as well tack on some lazy).
carl's steaks is perhaps best characterized by their slogan on citysearch: "we have beer!" enough said.
tony luke's is hell's kitchen's steak outlet. i had one delivered to the office but it was lacking. perhaps the steak lost it's philly-ness in transit. i'd give it another chance if by chance i find myself wandering around 9th avenue and 41st street.

wings:
croxley ales has 10 cent wings on mondays and wednesdays. hot damn that's cheap. quoteth ryry, "i can't afford not to go." indeed. let's go.
down the hatch has what they call atomic wings, which along with beer are all you can handle on saturdays (1pm-6pm) for $20. not bad, if you want to hang out with frat boys all day (that is, if nyu had any frats). if bar none is their smokes then dth is their new deck... or something like that.

i'm sure there are more. i'm tired. i'm sorry.

like meatloaf, but with jazz hands

new hotness and i went to see dirty rotten scoundrels last night at the imperial theatre. it was good. footloose reverend shaw john lithgow was supposed to be the lead but instead we got his understudy - who wasn't half bad. but the guy who played freddy (the younger of the two scoundrels) reminded me so much of a younger, thinner meatloaf that i almost expected him to bust out with "i would do anything for love (but i won't do that)" which then reminded me of the movie spice world where he was the bus driver (and not rocky horror, which was a real musical, uh - yeah i don't know). so then i was blessed with a lovely spice girls medley stuck in my head the entire way home and much of this morning. my synapses must really hate me.

oh and the lead woman may or may not have been a transvestite. i'm still on the fence about that one.

are you "in"

i love/hate/love verizon. the service is great but they're seriously lacking in ring tones. they have this new thing called ringback tones where the caller, instead of listening to the regular ring, hears whatever song you choose. that's nice... for the caller. i'm selfish. i want to hear the music. so unless i get all my friends to get the ringback songs that i want to listen to (i.e. helena by mcr - i love that song), my ringback tones will just annoy the only people who call me - my parents.

i guess it doesn't really matter. i've had my phone set on vibrate ever since i moved to new york. but still, it's the principle. now target is giving away free and cool ring tones for cingular, t mobile and at&t subscribers. so if you are fortunate enough to have chosen fashion over function, you can download them here.

shout out loud and say yeah

i like the shout out louds. i really really like them.

[sol] i want to shrink them and put them in my pocket

i may have even blogged about them before. i don't care. i like them that much. they're sweeeeedish. like the fish.

very loud
the comeback

and speaking of shouting out loud, here's a loud shout out to katty kat because it's her 23rd birthday!

room and bored

are you? well then this is the blog for you my friend. check out my pretty pretty links (the first "pretty" is a measurement of extremity and the second "pretty" should actually be replaced by "stupid" and/or "lame-o").

mind your manners is a game about victorian etiquette from a french canadian museum website. therefore, it must be good.

[iconic] doncha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?

make your own icon. just because.

[orpheus] dude, where's my lyre?

storytime! orpheus and the underworld is like, totally awesome. and check out the rest of the site while you're at it. you can create music using pentatonic scales or play the icarus and daedalus game (i.e. don't fly too close to the sun). it's an online smorgasbord of greek mythology. to think that when i was studying this in 6th grade i actually had to go to the library and read [gasp!] books.

[whores] no, it's not like that... well, it's kinda like that

you whores is a site laden with desperation. think of it as the craigslist rant and raves section meets the regular classifieds section. zero logic, 100% entertainment (the voyeuristic, self-validating "at least i'm not that pathetic" kind of entertainment).

so i hope this can kill at least a couple hours of your day (if not a couple thousand brain cells).

random rants

i hate it when the guys who clean the sidewalks with the high pressured hoses think it's funny to fake spray my feet when i walk by. especially when they overshoot the the psych-out and actually hit my feet with thousands of tiny little water bullets. it reminds me of middle school when mild violence was a substitution for flirting.

i hate it when i can anticipate walking past a smelly area (dumpster conglomerates, et. al.) and i hold my breath accordingly but breathe in just a bit too soon after passing and catch a rancid whiff of rotting food and burning hair. dry heaving ensues.

i hate it when i'm in my emotional week and everything i see is wonderously and supremely beautiful. i mean everything. i'll tear up at the sight of a baby carriage. i'll "aww" at an old couple holding hands. i'll even sigh and smile at a squirrel eating garbage.

fee fye foe -- i have no social filter

it's no secret that i have a bit of a crush on jon bon jovi. it started in 6th grade and really hasn't let up since.

so he and the band are performing tonight at the cmt crossroads show with a pop-country band called sugarland. my co-worker was asking me about it because my boss will be going (my boss gets tickets to everything). she said, "i don't know who sugarland is but i wouldn't mind seeing bon jovi." then the first thing that came into my mind was "yeah, naked" and apparently my mouth agreed just as my boss strolled by.

yet again, i hang my head in shame.

[bon jovi] alas, clothed.

road trip songs

what's your favorite road trip song?

i'm in love... pt. 5

it's been a while - i know, i'm a slacktard.

[marah] not to be confused with mariah carey.

marah is a band from philly (go philly!) who satisfy my need for story-telling rock and roll. it's a bit cheesy, but who is this kelly clarkson and journey listener to judge? listen to this when you're alone and ten bucks says you too break out in air guitar.
going through the motions
the rough streets below

maritime plays folky scottish pop. well it's not so much scottish pop (as i would stereotypically assume that would involve bagpipes) as much as it is pop via scotsmen. give a little listen. it's nice.
surefire
like a firefly

martha wainwright... usually nepotism will get you everywhere. martha, however, backs up her name with genuine talent. her voice is so sweet that she makes a song entitled "bloody mother f*cking asshole" sound like a lullaby to sing to young children. but don't. unless you want to raise them that way.
bloody mother f*cking asshole
how soon
i will internalize

mmmm... enjoy!

take this pink ribbon off my eyes

gender discrimination is so not cool.

this past week i learned that a female friend of mine is getting screwed by her landlord after she learned that her male neighbors with the exact same sized apartment are paying $1000 less. he denied it and she, of course, was livid. she plans on confronting the asshole with a copy of the neighbors lease and hopefully will be able to either get the same price or otherwise render him unable to bear children.

i'm totally disgusted that this would even happen in this modern age. this just goes to confirm my belief that real estate brokers and landlords are all money grubbing bitches.

day old salad is disgusting

yet i still eat it.

i am disgusting.

(i love the transitive property, perhaps a little too much)

godspeed you!

do i like them because they're not trying to be brit/newwave/like everyone else out there? do i like them because they're canadian? do i like them because the singer sounds like tom waits on uppers? do i like them because ohio likes them? do i like them because they're on subpop? (i'm a total sucker for the cognitive dissonance theory)

i don't know.

[the constantines] yes, like the emperor, plural

the constantines have been playing over and over on my itunes lately. i can't put my finger on why i like them though. maybe because it's different but familiar at the same time. whatev. just check them out:

arizona
on to you
nightime anytime it's alright

it's punk. it's rock. it's punk rock.

doggystyle

i get to dogsit for one of the coolest dogs on earth, the d-man (davis). totally psyched.

deja creepy

the first was coincidental, the second just plain scary (and foreboding?)

so jack posts a comment and as i receive it over e-mail, "sister jack" by spoon plays on my itunes. i thought it was pretty funny. it's also a great song off a great album (gimme fiction), in case you were wondering.

then, chelseagirl comments on it as well, and just as i am reading the message, what comes up on my itunes is "everything makes me think about sex" by barcelona. huh. crazy. not fun crazy, but rather more like the cat won't stop talking to me crazy. is it hot in here? i think i'm getting sick.

intervention

help! quick! somebody needs to stop me from shopping. i've already been twice this week. last month's credit card bill is telling me that i direly need a shopping alternative. suggestions?

20, not 21

i'm sure everyone played 21 questions in the car while you were bored as a child. i used to cheat, banking on my brother's not so good memory. eventually his gameboy took over his need for a sister and i resorted to making up songs about things i would see out of the window and singing them at the top of my lungs until my brother complained enough for my dad to stifle my creativity. truly, i was an annoying child.

as we are in the age of artificial intelligence, here's an online game based on that fond memory of my youth.
20 questions... apparently artificial intelligence doesnt't need the 21st question. those arrogant binary bastards. there's also guess the dictator or sitcom character but i'm sure you already knew about that one.

nookie

so i logged onto blogger this morning only to find it telling me that my browser doesn't support it anymore. i was supremely crushed. i thought i had been (finally) firewalled by my lovely tech department (they block me from all that is fun) and that surely it would be the end of my blog forever (seeing as how i predominantly post while i'm hard at work). however, that is not the case. stupid as i am, i somehow must have reset the settings on my browser so that it didn't accept cookies. stupid cookies. i put them back in their place. and in honor of getting my cookies back, i went to the outpost and got some chocolate chip cookies. ahh, the simple power of suggestion.

quote of the day

describing someone who is nice over the phone and then immediately talks sh*t as soon as you hang up: "she's like a cute little puppy that after incessantly licking your face, stabs you in the eyeball with a thumbtack."

nice.

*we'll just assume for the sake of the analogy that this cute little puppy has opposable thumbs to hold up said thumbtack.

ew.

so a while back i posted about the woman in my department who walks slowly and eats weird things, often performing both at the same time. she also likes to call one of my bosses (who's name is russ) russey. she does it with a medium-high voice (coming from a short, plush (quite a forgiving euphemism) and annoying woman directed towards my past-middle-aged nice as can be boss) and it makes me think that they're having some sort of torrid affain in the print closet, which in turn makes me throw up in my mouth. not just a little - we're talking lake erie here. ew.

sissyfight

so sissyfight is a game that franny-d introduced me freshman year in college. naturally, like all things, i got bored of it after a day. here's the premise: first you create a character (a junior high girl). the sissyfight commences when you enter the "playground" which is a flash-based chatroom. then you talk to the other girls who you think are cool and try to be friends with them so you can gang up on the uncool girls. then you dis them, scratch them, tease them, talk behind their backs and otherwise crush their self-esteems until they're forced to abadon their sad pathetic character and create a new one. it's funny - in a slightly sick way.

so the point of that preface was to enlighten you of the soon to be sissyfight that will inevitably happen here at the office. the loudest of the hens will soon be moving down the hall to occupy a low-walled cubicle directly across from one very loud mouthed gay man with no social filter. ooh it'll be entertaining, to say the least. i wholeheartedly anticipate the scratching.

this sh*t is bananas

[i.copulate] i dig.

your ipod may be a big whore, but at least you can practice safe file-sharing with this little pink rubbery thing. it's studded for her pleasure. it even comes with strawberry scented lube. no really,i'm not joking.

[ring thing] for all that coffee that i will be drinking.

talk about tricks. with this ring, i thee open your bottle. i know you want one. find it here.

[groove tube] sometimes all you need is ambient light.

it's just a piece of transleucent plastic. but once you attach it to your tv (and mute it) then voila! instant party. also good for when you're stoned off your ass and all you get is five channels because your blackbox is broken. cool, no?

[super sonic bed shaker] um, no comment.

a vibe for your bed. think about that one.

monkey business

i'm going through three years worth of invoices and recoding them with the appropriate channel names.

my job is now. officially. mindless.

tricks are for kids

(i know i shouldn't be talking about alcohol. so i will abstain and madlibs my way through this post.)

the judes told me that she met a guy at a coffeehouse who was able to take off a girl's earrings with his teeth and then put the earring back together in his mouth. i thought that was such an oddly cool (and somewhat unsanitary) coffeehouse trick. and then i thought of what i would want to do as my signature coffeehouse trick. i don't smoke so i can't do anything with a lighter and cherry stem tying was so 1996. then i remembered - maura tierney's character on news radio was really good at math and she could do things like instantly compute the square root of 4793. i thought that would be totally cool if i could actually do it (i can't) but then i had second thoughts about it - i'm asian and my coffeehouse trick is doing math really well. yeah that's not so much a trick as it is promoting cultural stereotypes. oh well, back to the drawing board.

shame is so in this season

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

hot and bald

pucker up

public recognition

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

wonder women

awkward much?

Monday, August 29, 2005

soooo bored

ah

Thursday, August 25, 2005

manhunt (not womanhunt)

hooky

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

falling for fall

Monday, August 22, 2005

aeon acid reflux

Sunday, August 21, 2005

fees shorty, fees!

Saturday, August 20, 2005

ode to the judes

Friday, August 19, 2005

i'm a bitch.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

apparently it is company wide big fat jerk week

giggle all you want. i just don't like it.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

one word. five letters. period.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

today is be a big fat jerk day

it's a blog thing

Monday, August 15, 2005

newsflash: men are pigs

sing my (faux) praise

i don't care what my teachers say

brotherly love

Friday, August 12, 2005

like meatloaf, but with jazz hands

Thursday, August 11, 2005

are you "in"

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

shout out loud and say yeah

room and bored

random rants

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

fee fye foe -- i have no social filter

Monday, August 08, 2005

road trip songs

i'm in love... pt. 5

take this pink ribbon off my eyes

Friday, August 05, 2005

day old salad is disgusting

godspeed you!

doggystyle

Thursday, August 04, 2005

deja creepy

intervention

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

20, not 21

nookie

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

quote of the day

ew.

sissyfight

Monday, August 01, 2005

this sh*t is bananas

monkey business

tricks are for kids

About Me

so self-aware

shameful listening

shameful gluttony

a shameful past