dear strike,
i hate you.
i'm not going to rant about the stubborn unions or their unintelligible leader. i'm not going to complain how many of them get paid more than i do (but probably exert the same amount of effort). i'm not even going to complain about the guy on a motorized wheelchair who almost ran me over this morning as he crossed against the light. all i'm going to say is this:
my feet hurt. let's get those trains running please. lest you receive a box full of my smelly socks. consider yourself warned.
pate
wine at work. what a novel combination. we had our annual holiday luncheon today, complete with a fully stocked bar of wine, beer & champagne. and so we're all operating on "what? huh? yeah, ok whatever."
i heart the holidays.
phew.
i walked to work today.
1 hour. 50 blocks.
but that's not all...
at first i couldn't get a cab because everyone was going downtown and i'd have to ride into the financial district before i could ride back up to times square. then when i could finally get one going uptown, the guy had the balls to say that it was $20 flat rate to midtown. i told him that it should be $10 flat rate anywhere in manhattan (because that's what they said on the news this morning) but he started shouting at me about how there are no rules and how his rule is $20. i told him that i'd just find another cab and that's when he started to drive off, unknowing that i had already opened the door slightly. whatever. his fault for being such a jerk. at this point i'm already in the 20s (i work on 44th) and i wasn't about to drop $20 when i already walked halfway. not to mention knowing that there's a $76 unlimited (unless there's a strike in which case you're screwed) metrocard in my pocket. so i kept walking...
just between you and me, smashed hat
tis the season for getting stupid holiday gifts from vendors. popcorn tins, cheap chocolates and other useless branded schwag that will inevitably be regifted at some secret santa/white elefant/get rid of the crap under your desk event. today, about half of the office received a hat. not just any hat, but a wizard hat - navy blue with silver stars and a soft silver brim. apparently the hat is so cool that everyone just
had to wear it immediately. and now my department is filled with adults channeling children channeling harry potter. it would be magical if it weren't so pathetic.
this
+
this
=
this
verbal cyanide - the latest fashion.
someone asked me if i was cranky today. first of all, that's so not the way you make an observation. if you think i'm having a bad day (which i am) then you can either a: stay away or b: ask if i'm ok. asking if i'm cranky is essentially telling me that i look like hell and my attitude sucks (which it does). but as ugly as an office environment can get, tact should still reign supreme. so perhaps instead of 6 hours of "don't bribe foreign officials" in new hire training they can lecture on "how to talk to co-workers without sounding like an insensitive ass." then they can follow up with "rant 101: blogging in the workplace."
i'm sorry, what?
someone asked me how to spell "loose" a couple minutes ago. i said "l-o-o-s-e". then she said, "wait, that's for like, my shoes are loose" - to which i said "l-o-o-s-e." (for like, the screws in your head). and then she said, "so, for cut loose--" i smiled and stared at the point right between her eyes. i think she got the point.
i'm the guy in the commercials who works with monkeys. except my monkeys have new jersey hair.
you must be here for the focus group
sometimes i wonder why i work at a pop culture megacenter. all my other friends are either in grad school (smartest. move. ever.) or working in semi-professional jobs. they wear suits. they shake hands. not that i have anything against our jeans and t-shirt and high five dude hug* work culture, but sometimes i look around and wonder if i'm still in college. or high school, in some cases. just the other day the weatherman predicted "below freezing temperatures", so in mtv land that means: "wear uggs with your mini skirt" - which is exactly what i saw one girl sporting as she got into my elevator. i was going up, she was trying to get to the lobby, where i'm sure she's meeting her equally as clever friend to go do something really smart together. (22, 23, 24...) she kept pressing the L button, hoping that it would change its mind (25, 26...) and direction just for her. i wanted to tell her that she had to clap three times and spin around and touch her toes to make it work. but i didn't. i bet she would have too...
* just to clarify the high five dude hug: it's when two guys see each other, approach as if to high five, and then keep the five going in a right shoulder touching double back pat embrace generally lasting 2-4 seconds. you know it. you do it.
i heart paranoia
psychos make the darndest things...
check out
the quantum sleeper. it's a high-level security system designed for maximum protection in various hostile environments. so when the big bad boogeyman or your evil alter ego is chasing you... quick! jump into your crazy house--i mean bed, and voila! you're safe as can be (psycho). some come specially outfitted with tear gas sprayers, robotic arms and projectile weaponry. for protection against stalkers and armed robbers, it's made of a polycarbonate bulletproof plating. and if your nemesis is "weapons of mass destruction" (it actually cites that), turn on your bio chemical filtered ventilation system. so don't bother coming out for a while because each quantum sleeper is fully equipped with a tv/dvd, mini fridge, microwave and toiletry system. in fact, don't bother coming out at all.
[quantum] comes in regular and family sized crazy
seriously, you have to check out the site. it's completely ridiculous.
desperation
i need a vacation. so much so that i almost typed "i need a vatican." um, yeah. help!
fddlt
for you.
[hair] taken inside the women's restroom on the 30th floor of the viacom building. aren't you lucky to be privy to such an intimate space.
shake it like a polaroid
[mtv] picture in picture
weekend math
a blur of numbers...
post-holiday party party... bagels, coffee and dirty dirty gossip. lucky for me, i wasn't the root of scandal this year. my roommate, on the other hand, was involved in some pretty sketchy chase scene involving one hired car, one crazy cab, one dash across a busy intersection, one relentless boy and one great escape. then she saw him in the elevator the next day = ouch.
then on to jude's pseudo-birthday party on saturday night. lesson of the night: sake plus beer equals one sour face. beer plus sake plus beer(squared) = one wicked hangover.
had three brownies and one peppermint hot chocolate for dinner last night = my body hates me.
p.s. don't tell my mom.
happy happy joy joy
my company holiday party is in t minus 4. these are my goals for the night:
1. food before drink
2. liquor before beer
3. watch out for that step
4. watch out for my boss
5. stay away from last year's holiday party guy
6. check with at least 3 non-partial people before making selection of this year's holiday party guy
oh and hope that someone with a good job makes a complete ass of him or herself, thus getting fired and then apply for that job immediately. i love corporate america.
jiggy kizzle
please join me in a rousing and raucous rendition of happy birthday to your friend and mine, the judes...
happy birthday to you
happy birthday to you
happy birthday dear judes
happy birthday to you
muah!
waste your time
you read gawker. you just can't help it. now meet its bastard of a brother,
consumerist. for the love of all that is tangible.
copyranter: n. manbitch. and by manbitch i mean awesome. see also
i hate capri pantsfor all you new yorkers who can't stand the slow uploads and superficial reviews on citysearch,
the palate king offers his own bias.
and finally,
this. oh man,
this is awesome. you can't not click on
this.
hi, how are you?
the (relatively) new assistant has been getting on my nerves lately. she's been here for at least two months now and she's still as perky and effervescent as when she first started. (how can one be effervescent, you ask? well, imagine an alkaseltzer tablet being dropped into a glass of water... good, now imagine if that fizzy, bubbly glass of water was thrown in your face roughly fourteen times a day... it's kinda like that).
this is what i have to put up with every time i have to call her for something. she responds to questions by restating the question, adding a couple words that don't make any human or animal sense, and then actually answers question. por ejemplo...
me: hi [annoying assistant], is [random vp] available wednesday at 3 for the [something something] meeting?
her: ok you're asking (pause) if (pause) [random vp] is available wednesday (pause) at 3 (pause) for the [something] (pause) [something] meeting, um (pause) well (pause) since it's monday today and (pause) wednesday is not tomorrow, and it may rain in spain, but mainly on the plain, um (pause) yes.
me: yeahokthanksbye!
basically, i lose 30 to 47 minutes of my life every day waiting for an answer in such a way that it punches me in the neck, salt and papercuts my soul and tears at every fiber of my existence.
but that's not all!she calls me. repeatedly. and this is how that goes...
her: hi jade. how are you doing?
me: fine, what's up?
her: blah blah blah, wakah wakah wakah, bada bing, schmuckity schmuck.
me: yeahokthanksbye!
ok so she really doesn't say that, but the point is made in the first line. she asks me how i am doing every time she calls. i'm fine. i'm fine now, i was fine this morning, i was fine twenty minutes ago, and i'll be fine henceforth until you stop calling, at which point i will be
amazing.
it's not that she's legitimately compassionate about the state of my psyche. i'm pretty damn sure that asking how i'm doing is the first rule in the proper phone manners section of the submissive assistants' handbook, 1984 edition. sometimes i'm tempted just to say something else just to see if she'll take it as "fine" and move on without hesitation. perhaps...
her: hi jade. how are you doing?
me: asstastic, what's up?
or
me: you smell, what's up?
or
me: the power of christ compels you, what's up?
suggestions?
shoe shopping. chocolate. puppies.
those are a few of my favorite things.
not making the list this year is sports. however, this poses a problem. i like boys. boys like sports. according to the transitive property, i should like sports. don't get me wrong, i don't not like sports, i'm just hovering somewhere in the range of an ecru colored feeling. sure, i'll watch game 7 of the world series, the nba finals, or any game involving tom brady, kyle boller or carson palmer in tight pants, but the details tend to overwhelm me. team stats, player trades, home run derbies... who's been arrested, who's dating a supermodel, who's on first... it's all too muchery just to keep up. maybe it's the adhd.
so my proposed solution is to watch sportscenter once a week. hopefully in a few months it won't just sound like charlie brown's teacher set to video clips of men in different colored outfits running around and slapping each others' asses.
i could also use a tutor. in exchange, i can offer a keen fashion sense and yummy baked goods (and no, that's not a euphamism).
bar osmosis
and now, a public service announcement:
you're out with a friend. you decide to play it cool and have one adult bevvy and follow up with seltzer and lime. you're one step away from stone sober. your friend is one step away from going home with that 53 year old hobbit at the end of the bar. you mingle. you converse. you say stupid things. well aware of the words escaping your lips, you hang your head in shame. alas, you are drunk by association. it'll suprise attack you like bad sushi. be careful out there. it can happen to anyone.
music to your fingers
playing at crash mansion tonight:
the good north - upbeat poppy rocky goodness.
not feeling itmy heart is over trying to play deadthe art of translation
nemo - like, you know, indie rock. they're ok. that's it.
metropolitannorthern light
overnight - yeah, rock. ok, whatever.
it's timesorryvictims and volunteersand
violator - whose website is broken. that certainly does
not rock.
ba humbug
i just finished a wicked awesome post on wicked awesome toys. too bad my browser crashed just in time to keep me from publishing. so here's the abridged version:
freeboarding - like snowboarding on the street (comment: something cheeky about splattering my face on the streets of new york).
labyrinth balance board - labyrinth game plus balance board = increased foot-eye coordination (comment: something cheeky about splattering my face on the floor of my apartment).
crosley travel turntable - ipod for the 1940s set (comment: i like the 40s, except for that whole world war thing).
and this...
[
holden] the hottest eggplant you'll never touch.
yo-lah
tonight's run down...
0700-jimmy gamba sample sale
0800-kevin maher's comedy shorts
0900-sushi
1030-violator (depeche mode cover band)
1200-orchard bar
come meet up (buzz me baby)
fight aids
give.
international aids vaccine initiative - a global organization working to speed the search for a vaccine to prevent HIV infection and AIDS. Founded in 1996 and operational in 23 countries, IAVI and its network of partners research and develop vaccine candidates. IAVI also advocates for a vaccine to be a global priority and works to assure that a future vaccine will be accessible to all who need it. IAVI operates the second largest AIDS vaccine research and development program. To date, IAVI has invested more than US$100 million in vaccine Research & Development. IAVI's advocacy program promotes awareness among political and scientific leaders, community groups and others worldwide about the urgent need for a vaccine.
aaron diamond aids research center - established in 1991 to focus on the basic science of AIDS and HIV in a research environment conducive to the highest level of scientific creativity. ADARC was established as a joint venture of the Aaron Diamond Foundation and the Department of Health of the City of New York, soon joined by the Public Health Research Institute and New York University School of Medicine. We at the ADARC are committed to finding solutions to end the AIDS epidemic. ADARC has played an important role in breakthroughs that have helped redefine our understanding of HIV and changed the course of clinical care for AIDS patients.
path - creates sustainable, culturally relevant solutions, enabling communities worldwide to break longstanding cycles of poor health. By collaborating with diverse public- and private-sector partners, we help provide appropriate health technologies and vital strategies that change the way people think and act. Our work improves global health and well-being. Headquartered in Seattle, Washington, since its inception in 1978, PATH operates 19 offices in 13 countries. We currently work in more than 100 countries in the areas of reproductive health; vaccines and immunization; HIV, AIDS, and tuberculosis; and children's health and nutrition.
