shame is so in this season

hi, how are you?

the (relatively) new assistant has been getting on my nerves lately. she's been here for at least two months now and she's still as perky and effervescent as when she first started. (how can one be effervescent, you ask? well, imagine an alkaseltzer tablet being dropped into a glass of water... good, now imagine if that fizzy, bubbly glass of water was thrown in your face roughly fourteen times a day... it's kinda like that).

this is what i have to put up with every time i have to call her for something. she responds to questions by restating the question, adding a couple words that don't make any human or animal sense, and then actually answers question. por ejemplo...
me: hi [annoying assistant], is [random vp] available wednesday at 3 for the [something something] meeting?
her: ok you're asking (pause) if (pause) [random vp] is available wednesday (pause) at 3 (pause) for the [something] (pause) [something] meeting, um (pause) well (pause) since it's monday today and (pause) wednesday is not tomorrow, and it may rain in spain, but mainly on the plain, um (pause) yes.
me: yeahokthanksbye!

basically, i lose 30 to 47 minutes of my life every day waiting for an answer in such a way that it punches me in the neck, salt and papercuts my soul and tears at every fiber of my existence.

but that's not all!

she calls me. repeatedly. and this is how that goes...
her: hi jade. how are you doing?
me: fine, what's up?
her: blah blah blah, wakah wakah wakah, bada bing, schmuckity schmuck.
me: yeahokthanksbye!

ok so she really doesn't say that, but the point is made in the first line. she asks me how i am doing every time she calls. i'm fine. i'm fine now, i was fine this morning, i was fine twenty minutes ago, and i'll be fine henceforth until you stop calling, at which point i will be amazing.

it's not that she's legitimately compassionate about the state of my psyche. i'm pretty damn sure that asking how i'm doing is the first rule in the proper phone manners section of the submissive assistants' handbook, 1984 edition. sometimes i'm tempted just to say something else just to see if she'll take it as "fine" and move on without hesitation. perhaps...
her: hi jade. how are you doing?
me: asstastic, what's up?
or
me: you smell, what's up?
or
me: the power of christ compels you, what's up?

suggestions?

posted by erica @ 4:34 PM