just say no to office entertainment
so there's this guy at the office whose main pleasure in life is to musically announce his presence. he sings, he whistles, he hums. his musical vehicle knows no bounds. however, his musical talent can be likened to that of your garden variety (cr)actress/pop sensation. not wretchedly terrible, but pretty damn far from good. and his path happens to travel by my low-walled cubicle, thus gracing me with aforementioned melodies on multiple occaisions each day. now this wouldn't be a problem if he were to emit anything worth an ear or two, but he doesn't. what comes out are vomit-worthy bubblegum pop songs, tv commercial ditties, and most recently, the hokey pokey. the worst part is that these flybys are not even close to being transient in nature - these songs get stuck in my head until he passes by again with something even more insipid. no amount of itunes shuffling can save me from the wrath of crappy song stuck in my head-dom. (you do the hokey pokey and you - dammit.) it started out as quirky and cute, quickly progressing to unwelcome and annoying, and lately it has been cringe evoking even at the faintest note. i've been at this job for 6 months now. my next step is to ignore him and pretend he's not there. it's all i can do from hurdling my cube and pummeling him right in front of the evp's office. (god i love being passive aggressive).
achtung!
my boss, who is an evp, has a boss who just got promoted to president of the company. so basically, he's a total big shot now. anyway, his office called around 6:30pm last night to let us know that the big shot will be coming to our floor to "meet & greet" the next morning at 11am. now, this is a creative department within a media company, which translates to nobody comes in until around 10-10:30 (except me because i'm a lowly schmuck). anyway, the moral of the story is: there are few things more entertaining than 150 employees frantically cleaning their offices/cubicles at the same time with less than 30 minutes to finish. it was like boot camp inspection. people were running, papers were flying, and closets were being stuffed to the brim. for 30 minutes, it was office chaos. what a way to start a wednesday.
oh yeah, the big shot was an hour late. i love my job.
eggs are smelly
now heed this. boiled, fried, scrambled, poached, benedicted - no matter how they're cooked, eggs still smell like farts (or postwork de-nyloned feet). you can try to hide it under bacon or smother it with ketchup, but the essence of stink will prevail. so unless you're willing to bear the wrath of dirty looks and wrinkled noses, don't eat eggs at enclosed spaces a la the office. just a little fyi (dammit).
not your average joe.
so the union square whole foods just opened, becoming my new grocery store of choice. you know i thought the whole foods was expensive in philly until i moved to new york. then i thought the food emporium was expensive until whole foods came. but i don't care. it's so tasty and it's all i have to work with. god i miss trader joe's though. it was the best thing to happen to frozen dumplings, salsa verde, mud pies, granola and cheap wine all under one fabulous roof. a while back i heard rumors of a trader joes moving to the union square vicinity. was it all a dirty dirty trick or is there some grain of truth? if anyone out there has any information as to the whereabouts of joe (who also goes under the name of jose, jacques, ming, darwin or giotto), please let me know.
and for that matter, if anyone wants to start a petition for a trader joe's in manhattan, i'll glady supervise the process. perhaps you don't understand my plight. every now and then i'll check their website for locations in new york only to be mocked by names that i have no idea where the hell they are is upstate or li suburbia (i'm from california - i'm eastcoasttarded). it hurts me every time.
please joe, move to manhattan! it'll be fun. i promise.
hooray for martyrs
and to honor christianity's most famous martyr, i will not eat meat today. however, i will eat shrimp tempura and spider rolls on a tab picked up by my boss. i love these "it's your holiday and you're coming into work anyway" days. they're sushi-tastic. but now i'm divinely full. so the agenda is: digest now, atone later. hmm, i live in new york and i work for the media. i'm gonna need at least another day.
tourist groups can eat my ass
i hate times square. what's the appeal? you can't go into any of the buildings (not like you'd want to anyway). it's not an architectural marvel. there's no art anywhere (unless of course if you count the artistic integrity of the pensive models gracing the hundreds of billboards plastered over every last square inch of surface area). you like the bright lights you say? the money that could be saved on electricity could probably end hunger in a third world country. you like those lights now? furthermore, the stores are subpar and the restaurants are mediocre at best. if you're going to the theatre then enjoy your little show and then get the hell out of there.
here are some more tourist tips: don't stand in the middle of the sidewalk trying to take a picture of a cop on a horse. i'm sure they have cops and horses in the midwest. go home and use photoshop. don't walk and suddenly stop to buy a pack of gum at the kiosk 50 feet back. don't linger on the street corners at a red light. some of us like to jaywalk. don't just stand there and look up - everyone else (not from new york) will also look up to see what you're looking at (which was probably just a bright light in the sky - we like to call them airplanes), thus creating worse gridlock than the tunnel on a friday. don't buy purses from blanket vendors - they're crap. don't give money to the uho people - most of it goes to their own salary. don't buy an i heart ny shirt and then wear it - you're asking to get mugged (or punched). don't ask for directions for more than 1 destination (get there, then ask someone else). don't hold hands walking down staircases (pda's and public transportation are mutually exclusive). don't complain about new york prices. don't pout when you can't get a taxi. don't get mad when people bump into you. the same rule applies: when in rome...
ask anyone and they'll tell you the same.
ugh. it gets worse in the summer. i can't wait. hey you tourist! here's a spoon.
1800 tbs funny
so there's this woman in my office who always walks by my desk eating something small and mysterious. she's also been known to offer her "special treats" to fellow co-workers (but nobody in their right mind ever accepts). personal background: she's the office leech (i.e. anytime somebody says so much as a word of ordering an expensed lunch, she magically appears to ask to get in on it). she's also a slow walker and a close talker. and she's just plain not nice. unless there's something in it for her.
so just today, i've seen her eat what looks like mini chocolate chips out of a crumpled paper towel (or for all i know they could've been the remains of a chocolate cake that we had for a photo shoot like a week ago - ew) and then just now she walked by with a small ramekin of red pepper flakes - or maybe it was eraser shavings - or maybe refrigerator bottom scrapings. either way, she had a flake/shaving/scraping stuck on her upper lip as she walked by. it matched perfectly with her permanent scowl.
so am i being mean or is this funny?
ew ew ew
so i've seen my fair share of eating offenses on the new york subways, but last night was by far the worst. and i'm not talking homeless people eating on the train because they have nowhere else to eat. these heinous offenses of logic and sanitation are made by otherwise bourgeois commuters.
i've only lived here for a bit less than a year, but i've seen everything from a banana or yogurt in the morning to tacos and burgers at night. ok so get this: last night, i saw a twenty-something male with his twenty-something female companion eating RIBS on the downtown R. ew ew ew. now this wasn't like a drunken munchie i can't wait until i get home kind of meal. it was like a voracious i love ribs and i'll eat them everywhere - even in the top 10 dirtiest places in the world. man i felt sorry for that girl. i don't think i'm being judgemental because really, that's just downright disgusting.
i think i need a shower.
i wholeheartedly welcome death by chocolate
i've eaten so much chocolate these past few days. i have a jar of nutella in my desk drawer at work. i can feel my teeth falling out. judy says that cavities are caused by bacteria that feed on sucrose and secrete some sort of acid that breaks down the enamel on the tooth. ew. my mouth is disgusting.
the rules of dating
are a bunch of crap. phone usage must spike considerably on tuesdays when guys are employing the "rule of 3" - days, that is. they've waited the requisite 3 days from when they met said girl in question on the prior the saturday night. after this happened to me the other day, i decided to take matters into my own hands and research some of these rules that men seem to all know and follow oh-so-wisely. so here they are, summarized from various sources and in no particular order... (note: MY COMMENTS ARE IN BOLD)
1. When asked "What are you doing?" never reply with "Nothing", always appear to be busy even if you are not. This will make you seem to be much more interesting. - THE FIRST STEP IN BASING A RELATIONSHIP ON LIES. WAY TO GO, CHAMP.
2. Always change the amounts of attention you give her. For instance: Give her your undivided attention for an extended period of time one day, and appear to be too busy to even talk to her the next. This will drive her crazy, and you will be on her mind the entire day. She will be wondering if she said or did something wrong, and she will become much more interested in you because she won't be able to think about anything else. - YES. MORE MIND GAMES. GIRLS LOVE THEM.
3. After having a good date with a girl and you are back at her place, try to leave something behind that will remind her of you. Leaving a shirt behind is what I recommend, because it will probably smell like your cologne and the smell will make her think of you. This also gives you an excuse to see her again. When she calls to tell you that you've forgotten something, act like it is no big deal and say that you'll pick it up next time you get together. - OK, THAT'S SOMETHING WE BOTH DO
4. While you are talking to a group of girls, always remember to flirt with ALL of them, even the ones that you don't find attractive. This will put them into "competitive mode", in which all of the women will begin to try to win your affection because of your display of interest in each of them. Once this is accomplished you will be able to have your pick out of any of them, because the woman you choose will feel like she is the "winner". Every girl wishes to feel like she is the best looking in her group, and if you help her achieve this goal, you will become her player in shining armor. - I THINK I JUST THREW UP A LITTLE IN MY MOUTH
5. When you are going to ask a girl out, try this unique trick that will make it much easier for you to do, and the girl much more interested in you: Tell her you are going to ask her out before you actually do. For instance, say something like "I'm going to ask you out, but not right now... I'm not in the mood". The anticipation will drive her nuts, because she has no idea when you are going to ask her out. You will be on her mind 24/7 until you eventually do ask her out, which you should do when she least expects it. You will get a yes almost every time with this technique! - UNLESS SHE'S DEAD FROM HOLDING HER BREATH FOR TOO LONG
that's it for now. gotta think about where i'm gonna slut it up this weekend.
who's irish on st. patty's day?
irish people. in ireland. what's this about running out of smithwick's at 9pm? i just barely got out of work to find my friends 3-4 drinks in and there's no good beer on tap? i have my high brow choices of miller lite, bud light, guiness and some sort of green beer that probably was made in a skanky basement. so translated: water, beer flavored water, milkshake, or i'd rather go a day without lip balm. i opted for a whiskey and coke. and they had the audacity to charge $10 for it (mind you, this was not marquee or lotus - this was a hell's kitchen yet to be gentrified but nevertheless glorified dumpster). then my friends and i proceeded to get hair molested by these forty year old men who had obviously been drinking for at least 8 or 9 hours. i played it cool and dismissed them with a hand flick, but it was all i could do from getting in a fight. but given the day, that would be too much irony. so thank you, new york, new york, for a non-rockin' so-so time. i should just go back to working at an irish bar and claiming that i was adopted by an irish family when i was seventeen and a half.
sorry i don't mean to be so grumpy. my large lenten clam chowder is disagreeing with my already grease-laden tummy. and i have myself and my drunken propensity to eat copious amounts of pizza to blame. ugh. i'm such a food slut.
why do people say things?
like "i don't mean to be a bitch, but..."
um, obviously, you do. you're a bitch for saying what you're about to say and you're an even bigger bitch for offering a preemptive make-you-feel-guilty-for-hating-me-because-i-don't-really-mean-it disclaimer to your statement. don't be a bitch. it's not good for the skin.
like "you're not telling me something"
yes. i'm not. perhaps do you think that it's for a reason? yes. perhaps.
like "i don't know, where do you want to go?"
well obviously if i asked you where you want to go, i most likely have no preference of where i want to go and i'm looking for an outside opinion... hence my original question. just say something. anything. i really don't care.
like "do you think you could... if you wouldn't mind... would it be possible for you to..."
spit it out dammit. i don't have all day.
wtf?
por que?
why are men so attracted to insecure women? i was talking with these guys in my building (harvard grads - but that just makes them well-educated assholes) and to the prompt of "what's your type" one replied, "recovering anorexics." i thought he was kidding, but then he explained himself: "i'm attracted to insecure women who need someone stronger in their lives." not to mention the fact that they're already skinny and they'd probably be rather cheap dates. then i realize how desperate and needy some women are and these are the women who constantly have men around them. i'm not saying that co-dependency is a fatal flaw. and obviously it works in their favor because they never have to suffer the wrath of being single (if you're the type that measure's life based on consistent relationships). however, i have to assert that society perpetuates the neediness of women. it's a cyclical situation of women thinking that being single equals unhappiness, therefore seeming more desperate towards men, then the men take to this otherwise attractive quality (because, let's face it, in any direction, desperation means an easy lay) and run with it into a relationship. this leaves every self-sufficient female completely lacking. why does this happen? it's like survival of the fittest has somehow devolved into playing the game that men have created in order to maintain control. don't get me wrong, i'm far from the feminazi role, i'm just curious as to why?
men or cheese?
I've come to the absolutely non-scientific conclusion that women cannot both attract men and love cheese simultaneously. Besides the obvious reason of the always socially disdained occurence of flatulence, the love and consequent consumption of cheese often creates the most embarassing situations. The heated variety is almost always the culprit. Just the other day I was sitting at my desk at work, eating a ridiculously tasty bowl of warm turkey chili with once-shredded-now-gooey cheddar cheese, and as karma would have it, cute media boy walks by just as I am battling with multiple strings of cheese stuck in the limbo between spoon and mouth. But these were no ordinary strings of melted cheese. These cheese molecules must have undergone some sort of chemical transformation in the chili to form unbelievably strong bonds to each other - bonds that not even the most dexterous spoon twirling or finger pulling could break without the use of excessive force. Needless to say, it was quite embarassing. I still love my cheese, I just know now that I have to love it in a more intimate space.
the first one's always the hardest. let's see. what's going on with me right now? absolutely nothing. perhaps that's the reason why i've started this blog. but i often have a lot to talk about. just not right now. gimme a minute or twelve. anyway, here's my 'splain: i'm a single twentysomething living in new york city with a couple of great friends, a few great vices, and very little self-control. fatal flaw number one. but i'm working on that. so here's to a new week (aren't mondays the best?) and a new blog. slainte.
