this is how we do it.
this morning i saw a group of people having a breakfast picnic. it was a pretty extensive spread of coffee, pastries, cold cuts, bread and fruit. all things quite delicious... except we were all on the frickin dirtier-that-the-dirtiest-street-in-calcutta subway! mmm... staph, tb, pneumonic plague... delicious indeed.
hmm, let's see... aaaugh!!!!!
frickin cnn.
there i was, listening to tom waits and minding my own business while minding the business of the real estate section of nytimes.com, when a cnn ad for "in the footsteps of bin laden" comes up. now this is no regular banner ad that may gently remind the viewer that said program will be on cnn tonight at 9 est but otherwise stays on the side bar where it belongs. nope. whoever created this ad is one sick mofo. it starts with an extra tight shot of bin laden's eyes (hook) and slowly zooms out to a face frame (line), pauses, then zooms out again to the informative part (sinker). all the while creeping the living eff outta me! it's like the portrait that is always looking at you no matter what angle you're at. [shudder]
pump, pump... pump it up!
ok so i'll admit that i violate the sunglasses indoors rule by wearing them in the subway. chastise me all you want, but i have to defend myself two-fold: 1. my new somewhat oversized sunglasses are so heavy that they leave a mark on my nose (whatever. they look good.) so i just keep them on if the indoor segment of the trip is sandwiched between two outdoor segments. and 2. i can stare all i want... without looking creepy and judgmental. you'd do it too. don't lie.
this morning's ride was no exception. i get in the usual car to stand in the usual spot, seeing many of the usual people, but today there was an unfamiliar group of guys wearing eurotrashy tank tops, manpris and socks with sandals. one of the "almost pants" had at least 23 non-functional zippers. and i'm not even going to touch the socks and sandals issue. anyway, the guy standing nearest to me held the higher horizontal bar, leaving his bicep roughly 6 inches from my face. i pretend to read my book while straining to hear what language they're speaking when i get completely distracted by the sudden flexing and unflexing (word?) of said bicep. first i thought it was a twitch, which kinda grossed me out, but it continued at a somewhat random pace. i was... mesmerized. he had really nice arms. every thought about his horrible taste in clothing disappeared and all i could think about was this beautiful pulsating muscle. i wanted to bite it. rawr.
web md... the hypochondriac bible
bad things happen when you have a high speed connection and too much time on your hands. today's example:
i go to web md to search for symptom's of lactose intolerance. why, you may ask? let's just say that my stomach isn't agreeing with the venti-riffic latte i had with post 3 servings of cheerios this morning. anyway, i get to the symptoms page and convince myself that indeed i am lactose intolerant. but wait, it could be something else. something like irritable bowel syndrome. click.
great. so now my colon is cranky. and it's ruining my life. so are my symptons in line with this disease of unknown causes and no clear treatment? female... check. teen through 40 age range... check. food sensitivity - well, seeing as how i am now lactose intolerant... check. eating while doing a stressful activity such as working in front of a computer (re: left hand typing, right hand shoving a peanut butter and jelly sandwich into my mouth)... check. emotional trouble, such as a psychiatric disorder... auugh! now i have a psychiatric disorder? (that could explain a lot)
ok calm down. maybe it's not ibs. go back to other alternatives from the lactose intolerance page. click. inflammatory bowel disease - let's see if this road doesn't take me to the crazy house... ulcerative colitis. crohn's. joint pain. skin rashes. intestinal blockage. kidney stones. liver disease. cancer. death.
yeah. i'm totally calm now.
maybe i should just stop drinking milk.
[web md] earnings, or my ekg?
for the love of pete
will somebody please give britney spears a turtleneck?
[teen choice 2006] yikes.
dancing with a.c. slater
j. peterman didn't suprise me. jerry rice was a little surprising. but if tucker carlson can dance, i will be completely and utterly floored.
[dancing with the stars] ketchup is good. but salsa is better!
and twinkle toeing alongside mr. bowtie this fall will be joe(y) lawrence, mario lopez, vivica fox, harry hamlin, jerry springer and others who are not funny enough to remember.
my money's on mario. you all remember that saved by the bell episode where he donned a unitard and did a little ballet number with kelly kapowski. dude's got skills.
plea
dear men 18-35,
will you please shave your dirty, smelly, unkempt mustaches? contrary to hipster belief, it's not
cool. it's not
ironic. it's not a
throwback nor a tribute. and it certainly is not
super fantastic. it's. just. stupid. you may as well wear a t-shirt that says "single and loving it!" because no self-respecting woman (or man) wants to make out with a walrus.
thanks a million!
love,
lucky
t-shirt runner ups include
"team selleck"
"don't touch my stash"
"naked faces are so 2004"
"i'm not a trucker. but i bet you thought i was. it's my mustache and trucker hat, right? i sure fooled you... sucker."
bring on the tyros, the neophytes, and the dilettantes.
my roommates and i had an open house last night for the available room. within 30 minutes there was a gaggle of girls wandering about the apartment, firing off personal facts, smiling profusely and thoroughly trying to convince us why she was the best match for the space. i felt like i was judging a pageant. it was so... strange.
i almost asked for a walk-off.
standards of living
i work in a company where a good percentage of the men are either hitched or mo. the unfortunate result is a severe case of work goggles. much like beer goggles, work goggles alters your perception of good looking. but instead of being fueled by cheap grain alcohol alternating with even cheaper domestic beer, work goggles run on sheltered boredom and repetitive mind-numbing inanity.
take exhibit a (prospective freelance designer): tall-ish (i'm usually sitting down so my perspecitve is always a bit questionable), young-ish (i blame staring at a computer for 10 hours a day for my skewed sense of age recognition), well-dressed-ish (compared to the typical shorts and flip flops fare that is so typical of footloose and fancy free pop culture wielding media companies these days) and handsome-ish (no scapegoat for this judgement call... uh, sorry).
if he gets hired i'm going to need a second opinion.
happy birthday mtv!
and thanks for giving us cupcakes and trashy reality tv.
you know me so well.
