nascar invades nyc
what idiot thought that slowly driving a fleet of race cars down broadway was a good idea? at 9 in the morning, no less. so there i was, attempting to walk to work amidst a large mass of large masses when i hear the not so faint rumbling coming down the street. and of course,
everyone starts craning their heads to the street, pushing to get closer to the "action." they're just cars people! loud and gaudy cars driving slowly down the streets of new york causing tourists from all midwestern states to crowd around like cattle. yes, i know that nascar is america's fastest growing spectator sport (a concept which boggles my mind), but must they take it to the city?
so. seriously. annoyed.
discover me, discovering you
[porky] improper refrigeration. the usda would not approve.
meat hats... which kind of reminds me of
this.
[smencil] recycled, for your pleasure.
remember mr. sketch? i got my kicks from that grape scented purple one. now you can use these
smencils and not look like a 5 year old getting high in the third stall in the girls bathroom. not that i did that or anything...
[trashy] for the germophobe in everyone.
you don't even have to touch your garbage. until you take it out. but hey, this is new york. just hire someone to do that for you.
hey guess what? hipsters are having babies.
exhibit a.
on the move
i have an opportunity to move into a converted loft on the bowery near houston. my cousin called me with the info last night and all i could dream about is this apartment. i can't stop thinking about it. it's a bigger space (still shared with 2 other girls) but it's a walkup. i do love my current kitchen. and it's a pain in arse to move. even moreso because it's like three blocks away and i still need to hire a mover. i don't know. i should check out the place before i make any rash decisions. it'll be for february so if there's anyone who wants my old room, let me know.
and on a completely different note, this cheese is amazing:
[montasio] that's italian for
"hot damn that's some good cheese!"
monday lovin'
i do not love mondays, but i do love
on mondays...
pandora - best thing to happen to your high speed internet connection since porn. click on the link. tell pandora that you like music. tell her which artist you like. if you can't pick one, tell her a genre instead. in return, she'll give you what you wanted plus a vast array of other songs that she thinks you'll like. it's great. in fact, it
is porn, for audiophiles. brought to you by the good people at the
music genome project. and with a name like that, it has to be good. or weird. (it's both).
banterist - this brian dude is pretty funny. and boy does he know how to kill time at an otherwise soulsuckingboredouttamyymind workday. jack, you will approve.
dave lieberman - three words: food. yale. food... yum.
welcome back fatty
oh thanksgiving. a time for giving thanks. and eating dead bird. delicious dead birds, that is. and now, an homage to thanksgiving, haiku-style...
allentown p a
i ate so much good food there
starve now til christmas
nin's dad hunts pheasants
be careful when you're eating
the shot cracks your teeth
the kleavelands and i
finished sunday times crossword
my brain is so big
many thanks to nin and the kleavelands for adopting me this past weekend. you guys totally rock.
eh... whatever.
i'm in a slump these days. even my back agrees.
here's a preemptive apology for the lack of future postage:
eat it.
like, totally.
went to the barrio to visit the judes. 1 hot dog, 2 fried plantains, 3 cups of bleach and 4 hours later, i am semi-pseudo-blonde-esque. i like it. my split ends say otherwise.
headlines 11.18.05
shania twain receives canada's highest honor - the golden gravy fries award. yum. second place was a 7 foot jug of maple syrup.
rare japanese stork gets prosthetic beak - which reminds me that i need to make that tail re-shaping appointment for my pet ferret. animal surgical enhancement is the new black.
angus young tops maxim's list of short men. a two part lesson to all the short dudes out there: 1. get a hobby. 2. be really really good at it.
dinosaurs may have eaten grass. scientists discovered this while analyzing fossilized dung. today we salute you, mr. prehistoric poo digger. there's a bud light waiting for you in the breakroom. congratulations.
britney spears said to be in negotiations for broadway's sweet charity. apparently she'll do anything to avoid validating kevin's ego for the three thousand five hundred seventy third time.
kimberly stewart engaged to talan of 'laguna beach.' a direct quote from the article: "it's a whoretastic match was made in d-list heaven." i couldn't have said it better myself. and in other news, the world is a giant tilted axis spinning sun revolving sham.
on a final and somewhat related note, there's currently a big publicity push for scott stapp's solo album. wind up (his delusional label) is plastering his james dean channeling jesus christ channeling some dude with a hairy chest promo shot everywhere on the internet. i wonder how they're sleeping at night knowing that they're all a bunch of crap peddlers begging for public mockery. let's revisit
exhibit a.
sheesh.
scary potter
[potter] magically delicious.
schmatt and i went to see harry potter last night and sat in a sea of ten year olds on sugar rushes (due to aforementioned cookie as well as an array of other complimentary sweets). the movie was great though. the characters were given a lot more depth and i thought the acting vastly improved. however, for those of you who read the book, the movie doesn't cover everything (which is suprising, as it was 2 and a half hours long).
congratu.melee.tions
another guy in my department got engaged. that's 3 engagements, 2 pregnancies, and one marriage within the last 2 months. i don't know what this means. i'm just putting it out there for you. uh, yeah.
harry potter likes asian girls
tonight is the night.
[goblet] i heard there's a wizard in this one.
sample hell
went to the sigerson morrison sale today. stood in line for an hour and 15 minutes behind this loud-mouthed mother and daughter combo. they were clucking madly about their own personal
(absolutely fabulous) experience with sample sales and scoffing at women who were in line with their babies sleeping peacefully in their baby bjorns. i was thoroghly annoyed, but it was nothing that a little more volume on the good ole' ipod couldn't fix.
i finally get to the front doorway (the line then wrapped through the foyer and up the stairs) just to see the most gorgeous white leather bag walk out with the most undeservingly fashionable woman toting an equally as beautiful chloe paddington bag. not a minute later, the wretched mother of aforementioned combo receives a phone call on her pink swarovski crystal studded razor. upon finishing the call, she turns to me and says, "just wanted to let you know, that my other daughter is on her way and will be joining us in line." and then...
me: i guess i have no choice in the matter.
her: well you don't need to have an attitude.
me: i think my attitude is completely warranted, and i believe the two hundred other women in line behind me would agree.
her: uh...
me: yeah. (put my headphones back on)
bitch for bitch. it's only fair.
science rocks
the new bank of america building at one bryant park was named
popular science's "the most ambitious eco-friendly skyscraper" and the top engineering innovation of 2005. this is what they had to say about it...
Set to rise 54 stories above Manhattan, the crystalline Bank of America Tower at One Bryant Park will incorporate an unrivaled number of environmentally friendly technologies, from its windows to its toilets. The building will supply 70 percent of its own energy with an on-site natural-gas-burning power plant. For climate control, One Bryant Park will rely on excess thermal energy from the power plant, a groundwater heat exchanger that is the first of its type, and an air-conditioning system cooled by ice made with excess power during off-peak hours. The building will even have waterless urinals and use water collected from the roof to flush toilets. Together, these systems are designed to earn the building a Platinum rating—the highest possible—from the U.S. Green Building Council when construction is completed in 2008 and, the builders hope, will also save the kind of green that matters to shareholders.
[b of a] i like shiny things.
that's awesome. it makes me almost want to leave this pop culture robot garage and go work for a bank. almost.
karaoke is the new skinny
there's no doubt that lindsay lohan is the greatest actress of the second week of june 2005. critics all agree that herbie fully loaded was hands down the feel-good movie of the year if you're a 14 year old boy with a prepubescent penchant for redheads. but apparently, the buck does not stop there. besides being the spokesman for the american association of chain smoking anorexics, she's also launching her alternakareer as a karaoke singer. she dazzled trl audiences last week with her pop take on cheap trick's "i want you to want me." and by
pop i mean
shitty.
you gotta have faith-ah faith-ah faith-ahhhhh
will someone please tell me why i can't get this song out of my head?
i also have this strange urge to set my jacket on fire... weird.
i am an oral hygenist
not someone who administrates, more like someone why discriminates.
i've always been a little ocd about brushing my teeth, but i realized recently that i am projecting my lapse of sanity onto people with whom i interact. just the other day i was talking to a particularly good looking gentleman customer (i moonlight as a soho shopgirl) when i noticed that his teeth were particularly white and particularly crooked. not in the get thee to an orthodontist way, but just enough so that every single tooth was 3 or 4 degrees off center. i couldn't help but stare at his interesting mouth. i asked him more questions just so he could keep talking. i was fixated on him. and in the end, i decided that i did not love him because of his imperfect teeth.
and the jerk stands alone. (again).
back to back crap show
i'm a devoted fan of vh1's jump start in the mornings. it never fails to satisfy my dirty pop cravings while sometimes surprising me with a great indie vid every now and then. so this morning at the gym, i'm enjoying the super special effects and slightly special guitar riffs of switchfoot's underwater video for "stars" when i nearly fall off the elliptical machine. the following video was "the great divide" aka scott stapp's solo project aka a serious violation of my eyes and ears. but like any good pop culture junkie, i watched this train wreck in its entirety. (and speaking of which, click
here to lose your lunch). and to add insult to injury, next up was your favorite
lyricist and mine - nickelback. it was then when i realized why his voice bothers me so much. i think he subscribes to the collapsed trachea school of music where vocal training involves getting punched in the neck repeatedly. i think i changed channels after the sixth rhyming couplet.
meet su lin
[panda] fits nicely in my pocket. or my mouth.
san diego's 10 pound ball of fur that will grow up to claw your eyes out.
mayhem ensues
women are vultures. in a setting of fierce competition, our innate evil surfaces and then people get hurt. i'm talking about the stella mccartney for h&m frenzy that went down yesterday in new york. i'm not sure how it fared in other cities, but here it was a total zoo. actually more like a hog race. women were grabbing everything they could see, ripping clothes off the moving racks and often fighting with each other for that last size 6 skirt. even the mannequins were viciously stripped. there was begging, bartering, screaming and crying (i kid you not). all for this:
[tulip dress] designed by stella mccartney, handcrafted by muhgok and his 17 brothers and sisters.
chocolate covered bird flu
there's a gold box containing four medium sized plastic bags of chocolate almond toffee from neiman marcus that is sitting on the ledge of my desk (aka up for grabs). each bag has about 40 bite-sized pieces of the candy, not individually wrapped. (sorry ryry, this is not a math problem - i'm just trying to give some background information). since 10am this morning, people have been peering into this mysterious gold box and ultimately jamming their grubby little hands in one of the bags, leaving with one or a couple pieces of candy and a fake smile, courtesy of yours truly. at noon, the thought of germs crossed my mind. i saw the post-toilet-non-handwasher woman grab a piece. then i saw a guy open a bag with his teeth. now, with every crinkle of the plastic (i don't even have to look up - i can hear it like a snoring boyfriend), with every passing hand, with every "mmm, toffee," i imagine a festering pit of disease neatly packaged in this little gold box with the words "neiman marcus" embossed in burgundy foil.
ew.
i is limbo
less bending over backwards and walking under a stick.
more like the space between.
the answer is: i don't know.
and on a completely different note, someone said "how's my peeps doing?" in my general vicinity and i almost fell out of my chair. my spine actually hurts when anyone says "peeps" with 100% seriousness. unless they're talking about those sugar covered marshmallowy things that you get during easter. those make my teeth hurt instead.
a word to the slightly less wise
if you think you can, try it.
if you think you might be able to if you (list stipulations 1 through 7), don't.
moral of the story: i cannot eat a pound of pasta.
(woof.)
rhyming is fun.
below are some lyrics that i'd like to share with you. read at your own risk of losing brain cells.
"you're beautiful" by james blunt
you're beautiful. you're beautiful.
you're beautiful, it's true.
i saw your face in a crowded place,
and I don't know what to do,
'cause I'll never be with you."confessions of a broken heart (daughter to father)" by lindsay lohan
(don't even get me started on parenthetical song titles)
i wait for the postman to bring me a letter
i wait for the good lord to make me feel better
and I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders
a family in crisis that only grows older"my hump" by black eyed peas
(hands up if you hate, hate, hate this song)
what you gon’ do with all that junk?
all that junk inside your trunk?
i’ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,
get you love drunk off my hump.and if you thought that was bad, get ready for the mother of all egregious rhymes - nickelback's "photograph." between being labeled "the non-christian creed" or "that
other crappy band from canada," it's really hard to take these guys seriously. and this really doesn't help. below are just the verses. now try to imagine this being soulfully sung by a dude with highlights and a bad perm.
look at this photograph
everytime I do it makes me laugh
how did our eyes get so red
and what the hell is on joey's head
and this is where i grew up
i think the present owner fixed it up
i never knew we'd ever went without
the second floor is hard for sneaking out
and this is where i went to school
most of the time had better things to do
criminal record says i've broke in twice
i must have done it half a dozen times
i wonder if it's too late
should i go back and try to graduate
life's better now than it was back then
if i was them i wouldn't let me in
we used to listen to the radio
and sing along with every song we know
we said someday we'd find out how if feels
to sing to more than just the steering wheel
kim's the first girl i kissed
i was so nervous that i nearly missed
she's had a couple of kids since then
i haven't seen her since god knows whenchad kroeger. what an ass(onance).
bk here i come
not british knights. not burger king. BROOKLYN!
apparently if you live to brooklyn, turn 27, and move in with your boyfriend, you get engaged. it's happened twice in the last month. hmmm...
whoosh
i think i slept this weekend. but it sure feels like i didn't.
thanks to everyone who helped me celebrate my prime number birthday. whether it was melodic voicemail wishes or hugs or yummy cupcakes, i love you all!
homecoming was just too muchery. i miss you penn. i miss you penn people. i do not miss you penn bars.
the files are inside the computer?
telecom sent up these two plumber's cracking knuckle-draggers to fix our amtel system (it's like old school instant messenger that our boss insists on using even though it looks like a 1986 commodore and has the capacity to make not one but two different beeping noises). in addition to the excessive pointing and monosyllabic words, one of them kept pressing random buttons while the other one actually picked up the system and shook it. and if it wasn't completely broken before, it's now making a half jingling/half rattling noise every time i hit any number key.
i would be more forgiving if these guys were male models, but they were the type who go to happy hour and use their mtv id card to hit on chicks.
restless everything syndrome
sorry fddlt. i like the word restless.
too much sugar. i can't focus on anything. good thing my job is mindless to begin with.
best. present. ever.
i got a package in the mail from my mom today. it's contents were:
an old sweater
a birthday card
a 2006 calendar
and an envelope full of grocery coupons
50 cents off quaker instant oatmeal
75 cents off downy wrinkle release
and the kicker is that i'm genuinely excited. i really do love oatmeal. and who doesn't love the idea of not having to iron their clothes.
needless to say, i wasn't the girl who got the shiny new beamer on her 16th birthday.
23 going on 223
i have two trays of ridiculously tasty homemade cupcakes in front of me. there's also a massive black and white cookie chillin' to my left. in two hours i will go to ellen's stardust and eat a mountain of diner food. then there will be cuban. and finally, i will explode.
jade went online and all i got was this lousy mp3
(a meme in ten parts)
ryry... your comment reminded me of freshman year when your tagline was "hi, my name is ryan and i set my house on fire."
we ran out of bridges so we burned down our houses by
history invadeskrissp... everyone likes monkeys. it's because they're pretty frickin cute. however, every time i see a monkey or even the word monkey, i can only think of you. why is that? there must be a good reason somewhere.
monkey!!! knife!!! fight!!! by
minus the bearbecks... she is from washington. you're in washington. and i think you moved there in september. that's all i got in terms of this making sense. i just think it's a fun and breezy song. and you're fun and breezy...
oh! september by
mirahchickenlittle... so this has nothing to do with the title of the song. i just thought you'd like the band. well you do like to sleep a whole lot. so maybe it does. although if i were to choose the person out of the group who would most likely be sleepy out of the seven dwarves, it would be the other kc. um yeah, either way...
sleep until the weekend by
finest dearestjacks... i know you like french fries - ok so i'm reaching with this one. but i think you'll like it. it's heel tapping, finger snapping fun. and if you could whistle, i'm sure you would.
oh fine by
french kickschels... he's not. but there's also a meowing interlude. i promise, you'll love/hate/love it.
kevin is gay by
giant dragfddlt... i know how you love things that don't really make sense.
skirts are taking over by
head of femurleeanniepoo... you're fabulous and you don't the half of it. or maybe you do. i guess i haven't talked to you in a while. let's catch up this weekend when i'm in philly.
clueless wonder by
joel plaskettdanniepoo... i see you as a blue-gray. don't ask me what that means.
mello hello by
matt marquetdo... this one needs no explanation.
the great escape by
we are scientistsyour turn.
hello, my name is boxcutter
hmm, let's see... what have i done today... found out what i'm
getting for my birthday (thanks dad!)... talked online... wrote some e-mails... picked up some tickets for some awards show... made some plans for the weekend... and that's pretty much it.
oh right! i almost forgot my most important task of the day. i sign for a box for my boss right around lunch time. i bring the box to her office and set it on her chair. she gets back from lunch and asks me to open it for her because she doesn't have a box cutter (she has 2 pairs of scissors, a tomahawk and a set of ginsu knives... but alas no boxcutter). i bring the box back to my desk and proceed to open it with the tip of a bic pen. i dig through the sea of packing peanuts (which proceed to stick to every surface in my cube, including my computer, my phone and my left arm) only to find a stupid metal can filled with promotional marketing junk. i bring said can to her office. she asks me to open it for her because she doesn't want to break her nails. i pick up said can, about face, roll my eyes, go back to my desk and open the can with the same bic pen that mastered the labyrinth of a cardboard box. lesson learned, i carefully pulled out all items of junk and presented individually to the bosslady, adeptly masking my tone of intense hatred for this joke i call my job.
hello, my name is helper monkey. i get paid in bananas. and stolen toilet paper.
hello, my name is no, that's not a college degree. i found it in a cereal box.
hello, my name is passive agressive. would you like to walk all over me?
hello, my name is please for the love of god and all that is holy, i need a new job.
headlines
here's what's making news this afternoon...
study: mice sing in the presence of matessomewhere somebody is writing a musical. here's the pitch: "like cats, but with mice instead of cats."
prince charles, camilla arrive in new yorkand this just in: nobody cares.
jessica simpson saw therapist over rumorsand by therapist she really means cosmetic surgeon, cocaine dealer & professional hitman.
restless leg syndrome tied to mental woesrestless leg syndrome? they make up ridiculously complicated scientific jargon for everything else and all they could come up with was
restless leg syndrome? maybe they should call insomnia "restless closing eyes but still can't sleep syndrome" or hypochondria "restless can't function as a normal human being because i always think i'm sick syndrome." yeah, good call on that one.
d&g
not
that d&g.
davis...
[d] i have one blue eye and one brown eye, but don't you dare call me "pretty."
and
gravy...
[g] i ate poo for breakfast.
cute, no?
