shame is so in this season

stupid celebrity baby names that are guaranteed to get your child's ass kicked on a semi-weekly basis

someone should write a book.

here's the prologue (in alphabetical order...)

apple (paltrow-martin) - it's actually kind of cute, but they totally "borrowed" the name from martin's manager's kid.

assisi (jade jagger) - which is worse: being an "ass" or a "sisi"? or is it the fact that your grandfather refuses to stop touring even though he's way too old and wrinklier than a shar-pei puppy?

audio science (shannyn sossamon) - what? no... really? that's the worst.

banjo (rachel griffiths) - at least it's better than tambourine. or didgeridoo.

blue angel (the edge) - it's a girl. not a squadron. not a fish. a girl. dammit.

cash (slash) - his dr. seuss education has served him well.

coco (cox-arquette) - i'm torn. coco is a cute name. but it's also cereal. but i like cereal. but i wouldn't want to be named count chocula... or would i?

denim and diezel (toni braxton) - diezel is what you name your chihuahua because it's funny. denim is what you name... nothing because it's just plain dumb.

grier (brooke shields) - i like brooke shields. i think she's a strong and beautiful woman. but really, brooke... grier? that's a last name. see: in living color.

harlem (the game) - that's wicked awesome. i'm gonna name my kid bed-stuy. or chino.

hopper (sean penn) - i initially thought that he named his kid after charlie sheen's character in hot shots. then i imdb-ed it and found out that his name was topper in the movie. i was wrong. huh...

jakob danger (billie joe armstrong) - spelling jacob with a "k" is smart. because then when it's shortened to "jake" he'll already be accustomed to writing k's in his name. which is a good thing because switching to k's in the middle of your life will totally f*ck you up. furthermore, his middle name is danger. so when he says "danger is my middle name," the kid's not lying. if i had a nickel for every time i was called out on that one...

jaz (agassi-graf) - would it be pronounced shortly like taz (jas)? or like jazz? because technically it should be the former. and that's just plain weird. i bet this kid is going to rock at tennis though.

jermajesty (jermaine jackson) - akin to jerprincess and jeranidiot. (pronounced: jer an idiot)

jett (john travolta) - daddy johnny likes to fly planes so he named his son jett. the logic is astounding.

kal-el (nick cage) - this kid better have superpowers. at least run really fast like superman. because he's gonna need that one on the playground.

kyd (david duchovny) - like naming your cat "kat" - apt, but why the hell would you do that?

makena'lei (helen hunt carnahan) - that happy little mainland couple must have had a great time in maui to name their daughter what translates to "abundant flower." not a bad name, just now that i expected of a little blond irish girl.

moon unit, ahmet emuuka rodan, dweezil and diva muffin (frank zappa) – rule #1: if the hospital refuses to register your newborn child because you’re trying to name him dweezil, you probably shouldn’t name him dweezil.

pilot inspektor (jason lee) – this is what you get when you let your friend (who happens to be a scientologist) name your kid. they’re not right in the head.

prince micheal, II (blanket) and paris michael (guess who) – all. so. terrible.

racer, rebel and rocket (robert rodriguez) – racer will grow up to be a race car driver. rebel will be a political activist. rocket will jump off a building, find out that his namesake doesn’t and die.

reignbeau and freedom (ving rhames) – guessing it’s pronounced “rainbow” and not ree-i-gin-bou. either way, it’s reighnbow rhames. if she wasn’t ving’s daughter she’d most definitely be a stripper.

sailor (christie brinkley) – i don’t hate it. it just reminds me of sailor moon, which i shamefully watched. sure it was the late 90s and i was most likely in high school. i never said i was perfect.

speck wildhorse and hud (john mellencamp) – speck is not a name. it’s a speck. hud is also not a name. it’s housing and urban development.

suri (tomkat) – it’s not a bad name. it’s just that she's an alien!!!

zelda (robin williams) – zelda ruled the world in 1987. i hated it. mostly because my brother would play it and not let me have the nintendo to play duck hunt. and by play i mean hold the gun so it touches the screenn and shoot the ducks until my eyeballs fell out because i was sitting 6 inches away from the tv.

zowie (david bowie) - remember in wedding singer when drew barrymore almost married that guy who would make her julia gulia? yeah, it’s kinda like that.

posted by erica @ 5:27 PM